Loose Strife

The temperature in Ashfield topped 40 degrees today and the water is dripping from rooftops and filling the streets. We’re not through the worst of it, yet. There’s more snow coming soon and February can be brutal, but there’s a sense that we’ve rounded the turn and spring is in sight. I feel like I’ve personally rounded a turn, too, recently. A lot is happening right now and I’m not sure how it will all work out, but it’s exciting.
I’ve got orders in for hundreds of new bare root plants to go in to the ground in the end of April and early May. Blueberries, raspberries, tree fruit, and table grapes. I’m most excited about the table grapes right now. I’m very bullish about the marketing potential of locally grown seedless grapes. There are numerous new varieties that have been bred recently (most from the University of Arkansas) that are attractive, hardy, and delicious. I expect buyers at farmers markets and local grocery stores will happily grab up bunches; grapes lend themselves to impulse buys after a quick sample bite. So I’ll be putting in a trial plot of over 200 vines on the hillside behind the house this spring among other plans.
I haven’t yet ordered the seeds and plugs for a cut flower plot. Luckily Laura left me with some books on that, but the truth is that she had a tremendous knowledge of flowers that I totally lack. I’ve found old checklists of flowers that she bought and I had no clue how many she planted and how specific she was in choosing varieties.
Probably the main missing piece is a drip irrigation system. I haven’t figured out the best ways to get water where I want it if it’s needed. Usually we have enough rain until late summer, but the density and number of plants means that I better invest in water insurance. But I’m not sure, yet, whether I should get a solar pump to draw water from my stream, drill a shallow well near one of my springs, pull water from the pond, or what. I’ve got a number of options, but I don’t know which is most economical and who to talk to, yet.
In addition to all that, a neighbor and I are looking into growing some speciality crops for herbal medicine. She runs an herbal school and we’ve been brainstorming about crops that might grow well locally and could be profitable.
So that’s the farming update. In the meantime, I’m writing this email from the comfort of my brand new office on Main St in Ashfield. The big draw is high speed internet, which I need for the scientific consulting and software development that I’m just now starting. I’ve got a couple of irons in the fire on the science and technology side. Along with some friends, I’m seriously exploring the possibility of developing some applications for the iPhone. It’s sort of a gold rush going on right now and I’m a little late to the party, but it could be a lot of fun to crank out some quick apps.
The other new plan is that I’m starting to do some independent scientific consulting. I never posted here that I finally made the decision to quit my tenure track position at UMass. I’ve been on leave since November ’07 and I’ve come to realize that I just couldn’t make it work and still be the dad that I want to be at this time in my girls’ lives. On top of that, my heart just wasn’t in it anymore.
It was a very difficult decision because I’m leaving a group of colleagues that are nothing short of spectacular. Kind, supportive, brilliant people. I couldn’t ask for more. I had terrific graduate students, too. But the demands are too high: I would need to be publishing many high-impact research papers in prestigious journals annually; raising $100,000s in grant money annually to support research and pay graduate students; I would have supervisory and mentoring demands, plus teaching and faculty duties. A long daily commute to Amherst would mean daycare for the kids and probably reduced after school activities for them. All this just didn’t fit with what I wanted to do and be.
Still, there is the little problem of cash flow while the economy is in the toilet, so I’ve decided that it’s a little premature to call it quits. But it wasn’t at all clear what I would do until I got an email from my PhD advisor from UC Santa Cruz on New Year’s Eve asking me if I was interested to work with him on research in, get this, metastatic breast cancer. That email really made me pause. Part of my lack of enthusiasm for my former faculty position was that I had lost that strong sense of purpose and I had a feeling that I would never have any real impact on human welfare. I can’t go into the details of the new work right now, but the main concern is better understanding how genetic changes in individuals affect the molecular activity of breast cancer. I’ll be working on a part time basis, remotely, to help put together and maybe later help coordinate multi-institution collaborations.
My office is ideally located (in the only office building in our small town), just around the corner from the preschool and along Lily’s school bus route, so managing the kids should be easy.
Regarding the girls, Lily and Naomi are generally coping very well. Naomi is as talkative, creative, and active as ever. She never stops play-acting, dressing up, decorating, building, drawing, and so on. She is consistently a very happy kid. She has specific ideas and so she can be bossy, which is constantly annoying Lily, and Naomi revels in her diablito side. Lily wants no part in Naomi’s directed fantasies — especially because Naomi will typically “assign” Lily the baby role. And since Laura died Naomi will frequently pretend that she is an orphan, which is an age-appropriate way for her to come to terms with her loss, but it throws Lily into a fit.
Lily loves kindergarten — the bus, gym, her teachers, and her many friends top the list of favorites. Every day they have recess outside in the snow. I don’t remember my winters being so much fun as a kid. Lily is very thoughtful, but loathe to express her feelings. She’s very emotional and frequently cries and hugs. She’s eager to learn and accomplish new things, whether it’s reading words or doing a handstand. When she’s successful she beams and squeals and jumps around. When she fails or is denied what she wants, she’s furious. For Lily, Laura’s death remains prominent as she continues to mourn the loss. She cries and calls for Laura’s return almost daily and the most unrelated disappointments often collapse into raw grief. But my sense is that this is her necessary and natural grief process and letting her express her sorrow freely and frequently will probably make it easier for her to deal with her loss when she is older. One can only hope.
As part of that grief process, I started taking Lily to The Garden yesterday in Northampton. It’s a twice per month afternoon meeting with other children who have lost a family member. Our first day was a success and Lily is eager to return. We’re very fortunate to have such a well-established and highly regarded program for children so close. (Naomi is too young for the program.)
The girls now take a dance class, which is one of the highlights of the week. It’s a movement class led by a creative dancer who takes the children on balloon rides to Africa, to New York City, and scuba diving deep under the sea. I’m impressed that they both enjoy it together. We always finish up after dance with dinner at Country Pie Pizza.
Even though I started out by saying that spring is in sight, we’re still going to escape from the New England winter weather for a week starting on the 14th and go back to Hawaii! We had such a wonderful time in Kauai last year when Laura was in excellent health. The memories are all very strong and positive. At the time I remember feeling so strongly that we would all — all four of us — be returning together in a year. As many of you remember, it was so hard to be with Laura then and imagine that she would die soon. During our travels it was hard for friends and family to say goodbye to her last year knowing that it would be forever. It was hard to believe and just plain hard.
Since then the girls have frequently talked about going back to Hawaii and I long ago promised that we would. I can’t imagine making a habit of it, but I’m sure that this anniversary trip will be an opportunity for remembrance that we will cherish — except perhaps for the long long long flight.
Remembering Laura will hopefully be a lifelong experience. It’s not something that I’m trying to put behind me. (Case in point is her dresser that I am still happy to leave alone!) But I’m not hung up or stuck either. I’ve come to keenly recognize this as I’ve participated in online mailing list discussions with groups of other young widowed parents. I haven’t found these groups to be particularly therapeutic. Instead I’ve discovered how fortunate I am and my heart aches for the many many people who suffer terribly and endlessly. Some of these widowed people lost their spouses suddenly and tragically. Others just never prepared. And some just can’t function anymore. It’s all so very very sad.
Through online discussions and talking with friends and family over the last 18 months, I’ve become so much more aware of how common it is to be touched by disease, dying, and death. It’s everywhere around us, seemingly hidden, but in full view if we’re tuned in. In that sense, I think my journey and this blog might be a little helpful in turning up the empathy knob. So many people need it so much.
My aunt just died this past weekend. She was diagnosed with advanced cancer this past fall and sent home with hospice. The experience has been intense and terribly sad for all of the family. Nobody foresaw this unexpected turn. My heart goes out to all of them this week and I wish for them strength and perseverance through a long grieving. Rest in peace.
Lastly, a quick appeal: I would very much appreciate any of you willing to take up the mantle, even temporarily, of editor of Laura’s tribute site. There are comments that need to be incorporated into the main text and lots of factual information (dates, places, people, etc.) missing about her youth and young adult years. I know I should do it myself and I feel awful and disrespectful when I remember that it is languishing. Valentine’s Day is coming up. Won’t you be mine?