Loose Strife

Saturday was yet another hot and bright day — not exactly what you expect for October in Ashfield. But after two months, it looks like the rain might finally be coming to cool us down and get Autumn going.
About 70 people came to our house for a party of sorts — many with kids in tow. There were bands of children running all about, some diving across the guest beds in the sugar house, some fishing for frogs in the pond, others rolling down the hill or pretending to drive a tractor.
Laura rested much of the time, but came out to visit every now and then. I hope it felt as good for her as it did to me to see so many friends — old and new neighbors, parents of Lily and Naomi’s friends, folks from work. Suzy, a friend of ours from college days, and her family drove 4 hours from Ithaca!
Laura’s decision to have the shindig despite herself must say something about her sense of longing to connect with friends and feel better. So thank you thank you to everyone who came and made it such a happy day!
For those who want an update on Laura, I must tell you that her condition is much the same. (Apologies in advance for the unpleasant topic.) Laura’s been throwing up every morning for weeks now and it seems that the chemo hasn’t changed or worsened that, but just left her more run down, sick to her stomach and uninterested in eating. The rest of her day is usually uneventful and spent resting. But she probably hasn’t had a sound sleep for quite some time because she sleeps in a recliner (originally due to back pain (which has lessened) and now due breathing troubles related to fluid around her lungs).
Vomiting daily for a long time can really knock you out. It’s exhausting and causes, I think, a lot of anxiety about the inevitability of it happening again. Strangely, she usually throws up on an empty stomach early in the morning. Her doctor doesn’t understand what is the cause and it’s hard to blame the chemo since she’s experiencing essentially the same symptom as before chemo began. It’s unlikely to be a reaction to the pain medicine and in any case her doctor didn’t want to experiment with alternative pain meds at the same time that Laura began chemo, since that could cause additional complications. Unfortunately, none of the anti-nausea drugs seem to work. Or maybe they do work, except for early morning. In the end, the fact is that she’s wiped out and it’s tough knowing that it’s somehow related to the cancer, but not knowing how.
At least that’s the case for me. For Laura, it’s probably a much simpler matter. She’s sick. Period. So she rests.
The other day when we were together as we usually are in the oncologist’s office, Laura sat with her eyes closed breathing slowly as she quietly listened. I had just finished working through a list of questions from my notebook about treatment decisions. The doctor sort of smiled and commented that we clearly are dealing with cancer in almost opposite ways. I like to think that the time I spend collecting information, reading books on cancer, talking with other cancer patients, and discussing issues with doctors somehow relieves a great burden. But I’m not so sure that my other half, the Zen half, of this marriage is so relieved.

Finally, some administrative topics. I should tell you that Laura doesn’t actually read this blog, but I collect any comments that people leave for her. She also isn’t reading email on a regular basis (her email address is laura (@) dizz.org ); maybe once every 3-5 days she checks some email, but don’t expect a reply. Last, for those of you who are reading this via email, keep in mind that what you’re reading is usually about a day late. I typically post to the website late at night and the email service that distributes new posts seems to send out the emails some time around 6-7pm, which is usually 18-20 hours after I post. I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it. For most of you, it doesn’t matter anyway.