Loose Strife

We got maybe six inches of snow this morning after the edge of a Noreaster moved by last night. But it wasn’t hard for us to all get on the road to Northampton before 8. The kids and I dropped Laura at the hospital for another set of CT scans and a bone scan. Then we went off to play with friends on a snow day.
The scans themselves went fine and we’ll learn about the results in a few days. But Laura hasn’t been feeling as well as she did around the holiday weeks. I regret now that I didn’t try harder to get a babysitter and take her out on a date a few weeks back.
The good news is that the lightheadedness has mostly subsided. The bad news is that the migraines have become more severe again. It’s what everyone likes to call a vicious cycle. Headaches hit, Laura stops, lies down, is less active and interactive. At least once a day recently she gets a bad one that makes her throw up. So she feels awful. Doesn’t want to eat as much. Probably gets a little weaker. Wants to rest more and do less. It becomes too difficult to deal with the kids.
Sometimes she has better days — just a few moderate headaches. We joined some friends for some ice skating on Saturday and Laura was, for the most part, OK and could watch Naomi while I skated with Lily. But bad experiences can make it harder to want to go out.
Yesterday Lily was invited to a winter party at a nearby ski slope for what we thought was going to be tame snow play for preschoolers outside the lodge. Laura woke up in pain. I couldn’t leave Naomi with her and Lily would have been crushed if we didn’t go. So I planned to take them both. But then Laura decided to tag along because she thought maybe she could keep a half eye on Naomi if Lily wanted to go sledding with me.
It turned out pretty awkward. The only activity was tubing that was too fast and frightening for Lily and Naomi. The girls and I watched the tubing while Laura sat mostly with her eyes closed and head in her hands. The host seemed horrified and presumably figured that Laura was sick and obviously had cancer given her appearance. But what could she do? And why were we even there? Meanwhile the kids joyfully scoffed down sweets. But soon Laura gave me the signal, I quickly fetched the car, and she threw up in a bag in the front seat while I shuttled the kids out of the lodge without much incident. We made a hasty exit.
It was the sort of thing that’s a little embarrassing, but one feels bad for feeling that way. You feel good about getting out and being active with the kids, but bad for imposing your troubles on others and even worse that Laura feels so crappy and stuck in such a setting. It’s the sort of relatively insignificant event that makes it harder for all of us to do stuff.
Even so, the truth is that Laura just wouldn’t have left the house at all a month ago, so it’s something to be proud of, too! We don’t know for sure, but Laura thinks that the antidepressants are probably working. We keep noticing that she “feels better” even though her physical symptoms don’t seem to be much different than a month ago. That’s probably a good sign.
And yet there’s maybe more to be worried about now than before. I just can’t drop the concern that her migraines must be cancer-related even though her head scans were clear. It’s remotely possible that there’s cancer in her spinal fluid and we’re going to talk to the neurologist again about a spinal tap. There’s a lot riding on today’s scans, too. If Laura still needs chemo then she’ll have to change drugs. You don’t want to have to stop taking a drug that’s working and switch to another that may not. On the other hand, maybe her headache problems will go away.
On top of that, we’re worried about Lily a lot these days. She’s mostly fine and happy and well-behaved. But she has naturally responded to the losses and changes in her life. She often sobs for long stretches about things she lost or misses — strange things like a rug or “memories” from a home movie of times that she was too young to really remember. She’s very clingy and attached to things. In an inarticulate way I’m sure she fears losing Laura. It’s all very understandable, but Laura and I are going to meet with a child psychologist this week to learn more about how best we can help her through these times. We should have done so months ago.
So given all this, there have been better weeks. But do know that I’m really (honestly!) fine, Laura feels better in certain ways, the kids are just terrific and we feel very fortunate to have such adorable, loving children and such supportive family and friends. In so many ways it could be so much worse and more stressful!
Laura and I were talking yesterday and I was saying how I felt really good about being home and being able to be home. I feel like it’s just the right thing for me to be doing. She joked that she was glad that she could have cancer so I could find my calling!
But seriously, I have a feeling that I need to seize the day for these are extra ordinary times. And I think this sense of carpe diem is starting to take hold with Laura, too. She told me a week or so ago that she wants to do some traveling this year as much as she can — to see family around the country and maybe take a special trip somewhere.
I’m glad she told me. I was still on the fence about whether I’d place some big orders and plant a lot of rootstock this spring. I think I’ll hold off on that for a while.